just...depressing...
11/16/09
1:22 AM
he was the first person who greeted me on my birthday...
yet, when i saw him a few hours ago...i just...ignored him...
i feel like slapping myself for being such a snob...
but... how could i blame myself???
our relationship is too confusing...
and... everything's awkward when we're on the same room...
i want to beat myself...
how could i allow for this to happen to us???
he used to be the only person i talk to...
but now...it seems like he's the only person i want to avoid for the rest of my life...
i don't want to be seen by him...
i don't want to face him...
i don't want to give him a cold shoulder treatment...
i don't want... i don't want to hurt him more...
conversations
11/6/09
10:58 PM
it's been 4 years since the first time i got my heart broken...
but... despite the fact that you hurt me, i can't forget how happy i was when you were the one who started a conversation with me...
2005... i remember it clearly...
april 1... you were the one who started the conversation... it was on a beach... and it was already dark... i was looking at the bonfire while holding my phone in my hand...
yes... we were in separated by seas and islands... yet you remembered me... we had a long conversation and i didn't care even if it was just a phone conversation... what made me happy was... it was you who initiated it...
you said words that made my heart skip a beat and i felt butterflies in my stomach... you made me blush you know... and you know that i don't blush a lot...
but... i realized... you must have talked to me... just to break my heart... all the words you said... we're only lies... after all... it was...
APRIL FOOL'S DAY...
after that day...you didn't talk to me... and since i was full of pride, i didn't talk to you too... but... eveytime i saw you...laughing with your friends and all... i looked at you straight in your eyes, hoping you get my message... please... talk to me again...
it took you exactly 7 months after our conversation to initiate yet another conversation...
nov 1... i was sick that day... but i have to go to the cemetery with my relatives because i was afraid to be alone... i had my handkerchief on my left hand (for i had a runny nose) and my phone on my right hand. you were concerned of my health and started acting like my mother. i laughed despite what i was feeling that moment.
but then... i realized...you couldn't visit your dead relatives and you were afraid that they might visit you... so you talked to me.. and it was after all...
ALL SAINT'S DAY...
yes... it was only conversation we had... the rest were just exchange of messages, emails and IMs... but, you don't know how much i treasure it...
it's been 1 year since that last time we saw each other... and i don't have your phone number now... and i'm sure... you don't have mine too... and i hope i won't see you again.. even though you made me happy... you hurt me 100x... and i can't live my life like this anymore... i'm tired... i don't want to cry myself to sleep... i don't want to open my email every 5 minutes waiting for your email... i.. i don't want to hurt myself anymore...
so please... just don't let me see you again...
coz...if i meet you again... i'm afraid... that i'll fall in love with you all over again...
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ps. in case you're confused... brent is not jerry...okay??
(jerry---> my first love... brent---> my ex-bestfriend...)